open up states

With many Americans eager to get back to work, state governors across the country are responding with their plans for giving everyone permission to be normal human beings again. One state governor is enjoying universal acclaim after unveiling his own innovative plan for getting his state reopened.

The new plan is called ‘Our Vision for Health, Safety, Virtue, and Eternal Peace’ and is a 37-step, 10-year plan for slowly opening up sections of the state economy. It reads as follows:

  1. Form an exploratory committee to consult various experts on reopening things
  2. Set date to hear recommendations from the exploratory committee
  3. Create a panel of experts to explore the recommendations recommended by the exploratory committee
  4. Build a brand new website to post exploratory committee recommendations for public comment
  5. Discuss feedback from health experts over catered seafood lunch
  6. Wait 4 weeks to see if catered seafood lunch led to any additional COVID infections
  7. Hire commission to gauge the effectiveness of collaboration over catered seafood lunches
  8. Take away all the guns
  9. Announce a 12-phase reopening of the economy, starting with the businesses with the best lobbyists
  10. Begin Phase 1
  11. Form a new committee to review the effectiveness of Phase 1 before moving on to Phase 2
  12. Order drones from China and post them in front of every hair salon
  13. Draft new legislation to allow voting by show of hands over Facebook live
  14. Announce reopening of all golf courses in close proximity to the statehouse
  15. Hold public hearings on the effectiveness of the implementation of Phase 1
  16. Repeat parts 1-15 until all 12 phases are completed
  17. Form an exploratory committee to research alternate food sources now that catered seafood no longer available
  18. Draft legislation allowing people to eat squirrels and possums
  19. Overturn squirrels and possums legislation after animal rights groups protest
  20. Hire animal rights groups to enforce the overturning of the legislation in order to protect squirrels and possums
  21. Introduce tax bill to fund arming all police officers with harpoon guns and spears
  22. Strengthen the security of governors mansion with sniper towers and tiger pits
  23. …Maybe also a moat around the governor’s mansion
  24. More drones from China, maybe bigger ones
  25. Pass new legislation to fund hiring more enforcers to enforce things
  26. Build checkpoints across the state to distribute milk and guzzoline
  27. Create jobs by hiring welders to install armor plating on police cars
  28. (redacted)
  29. (redacted)
  30. (redacted)
  31. (redacted)
  32. (redacted)
  33. (redacted)
  34. (redacted)(redacted)(redacted)(redacted)(redacted)(redacted)
  35. (Super-secret surprise to be determined later)
  36. Open the rest of the economy
  37. Gladiator games anyone?

Other states have announced they will wait 10-15 years to judge the effectiveness of this 37 part plan before releasing their own plans. The only exception is Texas, whose governor simply said, “We’re open, y’all!”

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